It’s be a long couple of weeks. My fault because I spent most of it trying to push past the pain and just “get it done.” That’s my MO, stay focused and don’t get side-tracked my little things like feelings,wants and desires. Stay present to what is neccessary, and reward yourself later.
This way of being however, flies directly in the fact of what being a Diva is all about (no wonder I am struggling with my business)! So today I finally gave in. It took me being unable to fight back the tears and just focus for like the 10th day to finally get it.
It started late last week as Mother’s Day approached. My mother transitioned on 14 years ago and up until now, each anniversary of her death, each birthday, and each Mother’s Day just came and went with little fanfare (until I decided to put myself into my Diva Makeover program). The problem is, I didn’t know what was going on. I just found myself dreading the Pre-mother’s day event I agreed to participate in and being just blah in general. I blamed on the weather, on my cycle, on me just being lazy, but it never occurred to me that I was dealing with real issue that was stopping me from living a life I love all the time.
One of my good friends called me last Wednesday for consoling after having her heart-broken. This is a strong woman who I don’t think I have ever seen or heard cry in my life. But on this call I could tell she was at her wits end. Like so many other phenomenal women I know she was ready to pull her hair out to understand why she was still single and being treated so poorly by the men she dated. Being a Diva like myself she has a pretty good radar for jerks so when she decided to give this guy a chance it was because he seemed like the real deal. The fact that 2-weeks ago he just disappeared after being attentive and adoring and fantastic was distressing to her.
Now I have dealt with many a brokenhearted friend, but this was different. See she wasn’t doing all the crazy things that usually get you caught up with a loser. I totally got her experience of just wanting to be loved. From there I was confronted. My sense of being disconnected from people was magnified 10 fold. It was one of those times you would want to call your Mom and get some comfort and I got present that I had no one to call. From Wednesday night until this morning I was trying my hardest to not focus on the feelings, but instead, be in action.
Divas, please hear me when I say THIS DOES NOT WORK! I have alternated between random crying spells, extreme fatigue (translates into just staying in bed sleeping most of the day), heavy drinking (going out to dance and indulging until I can’t remember what had me sad in the first place), thoughts of ending it all (wanting to go to sleep and just not wake up to another day of hell), to utter resignation (nothing matters and there is nothing I can do about it ).
Being a soldier, I did the event and I treated each Diva with the love and care that I have for every human being on the planet. I am committed that every woman know herself to be worthy of love and care, and no matter how I feel, nothing changes my commitment to you. But, I was still disconnected at the core of my being. I had to be in order to get up and get myself there and function. What I also noticed is that when I am in these states, I tend to be late to things, because I have to spend extra time pysching myself to get up, get dressed, and go out into the world with a happy face, when on the inside I am crying and filled with despair. So I was late to the event and every other commitment I have had since last Wednesday. I have not taken the time to get super-fly before I leave the house (I still look fabulous, but not my best) and I have not been eating well (lots of junk food and/or not eating much at all). However, no matter how much I looked at it, I could not figure out what was going on. So I was going through the motions of my life, but I was not performing at a high level at all.
Finally, I am meeting with a business partner/ friend Wednesday (it took everything I had to just get up and go there) and I ask him what motivates him and why he does all that he does. He shared his answer and we talked a little about my feelings of apathy and disconnectedness, but the coaching wasn’t making a difference. I was on the verge of tears and didn’t want to make a scene, so I proposed we get to work (that is my escape from my life).
During our meeting, his mother calls and it seems she is coming over to visit, no big deal right? WRONG! From the moment I heard she was coming, all I want to do is get finished with our meeting so I can leave. I however don”t know why. Then she gets there and starts interacting with us and I am almost beside myself. I am so uncomfortable. It was all I could to not start bawling my eyes out. I make it through the end of the meeting and hop in the car to head home. I don’t make it to the end of the block before the tears come. I still have no idea about what my problem is (this is how out of touch I was). I suck it up, go to the store to pick some household items, grab some VERY unhealthy comfort food, and head home. I try to get some work done, but I end up crawling in the bed and just crying and crying and crying until I feel asleep.
When I wake up, I realize something is seriously going on and that until I deal with it, I am not going to be able to live my life. So I drag myself to a yoga class (I got clear a couple of weeks ago that going to a yoga class is great way for me to clear my head when I get into these states. From the physical standpoint, the endorphins you create when engaging in physicall activities act as a natural anti-depressant, and the meditation and focus on the breath helps quiet your mind). As we do the final meditation I am crying silently just being with the sense of loss I feel when I think about my mother. I get home, tired, but much lighter and clear about about it all. In taking the time to talk to my friend about her broken-heart, I got present to my broken-heart (regarding my mom’s death) and because the hurt was so great, I tried to retreat back into my work-hard manner of coping.
The thing is, once you let the genie out the bottle, there is no going back, so I was stuck in this emotional swirl that I was resisting. During my personal development work, I got clear that what has been missing for me since my mother died is allowing new people to come into my life and offer me love and support. Me moving away from my family and long-time friends has created an awareness of this. I was quite skilled at ignoring this need for love and support by throwing myself into my work and putting my wants and desires on the back-burner. By the end of the class I was clear again that whenever I choose I can have people in my life right here in the Chi that love and support me and that I do not have to be alone. SoI thought everything was great and that Thursday I would be back in business. LOL, I wasn’t done. I was maybe at 75% productivity yesterday, but still found myself not talking to people, not answering the phone , not checking my voicemails or responding to any communication.
So today after I kept trying to force myself to do more and more, I finally chose to stop. Unlike before, I wasn’t being forced to stop with overwhelming emotions, I powerfully chose to stop because this is not life I am committed to. I created that with the fabulous life I get to live, that my days would filled with grace and ease. I will not struggle and push myself to do what I know needs to be done. So when I find myself working hard and suffering, I know I need to stop and take care of me for a little while. Yes I have a lot of work to do before heading to DC for BOCA Fest next week, yes I am under pressure to perform, but I am also clear that nothing is going to get done well if I do not indulge in some Diva Time!
In my avoidance of doing work last night, I read a blog entry from one of my favorite sites and at the time I dismissed it because I thought to myself, I don’t have anyone to give me an evening of bliss. Then this morning, it hit me, A DIVA does not need anyone to take care of her, she makes sure she is taken care of herself! I stopped ran myself a luxurious bubble bath and gave myself the royal treatment. It was great! From the moisturizing mik-bath to the soothing Epsom salts, my body just relaxed and my spirit was renewed. So I am now fresh clean and ready to clean things up with all the people and responsibilities I have been avoiding.
No, it’s not easy being a Diva, but I swear it’s worth all the work when you get to be this peaceful!
Tags: coping, depression, diva time, loss, love, relaxation, self-care
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