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Dec 27

Is this what men really think about marriage?

Ball & Chain

Interesting discussion today about marriage and one gentleman shared candidly about why men don’t want to get married and why they do!

Being me I had to comment so what you’ll find below are his points and my responses! Enjoy

First Up Anti-Marriage

1. Marriage ends options. Men enjoy variety. Gone is flirting, flings, and fun.

* Men have to Grow up and stop letting the penis run their life. Marry a fun flirty woman and treat her well so you can have some spice in your life. You can flirt all day and just not act on it if you have self-control (also there are women who are open to open marriages if you choose not to exercise penis control)

2. Marriage is expensive. Rings start it all off. Weddings soon follow with more rings, invitations, dinners, ceremony, etc.). Divorces cost even more than the weddings.

* Marriage CAN be expensive OR it can be cost effective depending on the type of woman you choose to marry. BTW DATING is expensive, biggest difference you’re throwing money away on bunch different women vs INVESTING it into your marriage/future. The amount men spend on dating over a period of 1 year probably equals the cost of a nice ring. Not all women want to go into debt for a wedding, find one.

3. Marriage is an expensive partnership agreement that is difficult for either party to escape w/o one upsetting the other.

*Select your LIFE PARTNER carefully, making sure you have a similar vision for the partnership,not just shared lust for one another. That means putting in the “work” to know yourself and develop a vision for you life not just running around chasing women and money. Yes it means prayer, meditation, reflection, introspection, planning (aka maturity/developing wisdom)

4. Marriage ends spontaneity. Suddenly everything involves months of planning, juggling calendars, last minute cancellations, evaluation of bills (can we afford to?). No more jump and do it.

* Umm where is it written that you can’t have spontaneity inside your relationship? As we get older and MATURE sure we do less silly irresponsible things, but you don’t have to kill off all the fun and why would you? My parents did lots of fun stuff well into their marriage (20+ years b/f my mom died).

5. Marriage is constant compromise with the man giving in and giving up the majority, if not all, of the time. She decides what to do, where to live, how to live, where the money goes. Compromise is more like he gives in and she wins.

* Oh this is easy, stop dating/marrying over masculine controlling women! Man-Up so you can attract balanced women who don’t want to or need to run things all the time b/c she doesn’t respect you! Women who are balanced (masculine/feminine energy) like men to lead however we only follow true leaders not little boys playing “man.” Over masculine women who simply want to “be married’ will settle for “boy-men” and run them like a mother does b/c she knows he is immature, but she needed the appearance of a man to play the role of the groom/husband in the life she created. lOver feminine women will let the man decided everything and just want to be “taken care of” they tend to be immature and are looking for a “daddy-type.” They are good for over-masculine men who haven’t learned the concept of partnership and want to dominate in a relationship. Strong yet feminine (balanced) women will not entertain boy-men we find them very unattractive. We only date adult-men who we can co-create with. We know when to fall-back and he knows when to let us lead b/c he is confident that he picked a capable woman to be his life-partner.

6. Marriage is the end of sex. Sex is mundane, occasional, and planned. Same location, same position, and same way. ROUTINE and often dry.

* stop marring boring sexually repressed women and get some romance skills. Women love sex, variety and intimacy…if its good. Many women who just want to get married tolerate average/mundane sex as long as it takes to get a ring. They fake orgasms and pretend to enjoy it b/c they have their eye on the prize.

I and the women I work with are sexually liberated (but not loose). We don’t settle for half-assed selfish lovers. We love sex with the right person who treats us the way we want to be treated. We find “adult-men” sexy and can barely keep our hands off of them! We love leaders, planners, protectors, and providers! Sex is a joy, something used to keep us connected, relax us, empower us, & create life. We like it to be exciting, often, and a combination of planned romantic encountered and unexpected trysts!

We however hold our bodies sacred and only choose to share ourselves and the joy of sex with responsible, respectful men we want to be connected to physically and spiritually. We take the time to “get to know” his character before we get to know his penis.

7. Marriages often fail. 50-50 chance of survival. About 30% remain for reasons largely economic, social, or beneficial to the children.

* Marriages fail b/c most people go into them with little self-awareness and true knowledge of the other person. They pick their partner based on worldly criteria like looks, money, community/societal pressures, and/or physical attraction. When people start to do the work of knowing themselves and develop a plan for their life that is in alignment with the Divine, they can pick a partner that COMPLEMENTS that vs one that is just nice to look at/freaky/paid/fits the criteria.

8. Marriage is the end of taking risks. Too many dreams of the man are shot down when they now involve another person’s life, livelihood, money, health, comfort, and future. Marriage is a catch-22. Keeps you from leaping into wrong decisions; it also holds you back from pulling the trigger on an idea that will make life better.

*Men choose small-thinking women whose primary goal is “security” so she is risk-averse. She is willing to do ANYTHING to get married and accepts his foolish behavior b/c she sees it as her long-term plan for being provided-for. While she doesn’t want to get divorced, she knows that if she does, she can collect alimony and that is a runner-up to being married and provided for for life.

When/if men who are dreamers/risk-takers find women who are aligned with risk-taking they will find a partner/supporter/champion for their dreams. They will have a counselor/advisor to help them make wise decisions and turn the dream into reality. Women give birth to life both physically and meta-physically, but you have to choose the mother of your creations carefully. Any woman with a working uterus can make a baby, but only a woman with a creative and open-mind can be your partner in giving birth to an idea.

9. Men marry women hoping that they will never change (physically) just as women marry men hoping that they will change (emotionally), but the reality is that both change for the worse.

* men and women should stop that. Like I have said several times people make poor choices in who they marry. Better choices in patners –> better partnerships

10. The cost of living for a man is 1/3 the cost of living for that of a woman.

* I’m sure you got that stat from somewhere but when both are contributing to the same pot, both win. Men should choose to marry women who are fiscally responsible. Yes that means “independent women” who don’t NEED your money. Yes that also means you have to be a “better” person b/c she is not desperately seeking someone to “HELP” her make ends meet. She is looking for a PARTNER not a SAVIOR and will be more discerning in her choices.

End of the day, this aversion eligible Black Men all have to marriage and this negative outlook you have on it is only holding you and our community back from greatness. You have the power to change what marriage is for you, but no one can do it for you.

I only know this because I had to do it for myself. For most of my teens & 20′s I had no desire to get married and couldn’t understand why any woman in her right mind would want it. It seems like you would be signing up for a life of misery and enslavement just to have a ring on your finder and the title Mrs. vs Ms! Husband occurred like an overgrown baby you had to cook for and clean up after, and who didn’t appreciate any of it and on top of all that you had have sex with him too! RAW DEAL!

All the while I was growing and developing as an individual. I was on my spiritual journey to find out why I was hear and what my life was going to be for (started at about 19). By the time I got to my mid-20′s I was clearer about what my life was going to be for (being of service to my community). I learned that marriage did not have to be a certain way and that I can have any kind of relationship I want if I was willing to take a stand for it.

So I got curious with myself about the type of man I needed to have in my life to complement who I am and will be in the future. Given that I see myself as an advocate for the community, he needs to be community-minded. I got clear that I like to travel and have adventures so he needs to be an adventure-seeker. I found myself on a non-traditional spiritual path, so he needs to be spiritually-aware but not overly religious. I cannot trust or be open/vulnerable with shady/dishonest/weak people so he needs to have integrity, be honest, and have inner strength. I take my physical health seriously and choose to live a healthy lifestyle, so he needs to be health-conscious. I’m a saver and like to live below my means so he needs to be fiscally responsible vs a an over-extended maxed-out spender.

I could go on and one about character traits I am looking for in my mate b/c I have done the work to know myself and figure out what kind of mate would be a complement to me. This doesn’t negate the fact that I have to find him attractive physically too because I want to have a rich and fulfilling sex life with someone I find easy on the eyes. However, I find that when I meet a person who has the character traits I find attractive, they tend to get sexier. I have seen men go from average to irresistible simply based on conversation and observation over time. At the same time I have seen men who are gorgeous lose their shine as they open their mouths and show their true nature. So no, there usually will be no sex in 3 – 5 dates if I’m looking for a mate b/c it takes time to see someone’s character and trying to evaluate a person through a lust/orgasm/oxytocin induced haze is near impossible!

Fellas the peter-pan syndrome is not a good look. Biological clock or not, being in your 30′s 40′s and beyond still acting like a sex-crazed teenager is not a good look. Stop letting your penis run your love life and start using your big head and your heart to find your true self and then choose a woman that is a true complement to you.

Yes it takes WORK and EFFORT to find a good life-partner which is why wasting your time money and energy of women you know are not a good match but “look good” or are “accommodating” is dumb. There is a reason Proverbs 18:22 says “The man who finds a wife finds a TREASURE, and he receives favor from the LORD.”

A good woman is not EASY to find, but you have to start seeing women as more than concubines, maids, cooks, nannies, breeders. You have to get that she is your COMPLEMENT and your equal partner and select accordingly. Look for a woman with beauty, brains, and complementary character traits and vision and you will find someone who is worth giving up sex with random women b/c your life with her will be MAGICAL and BLESSED.

Read More at VirtuousVixen.com

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