BACKSTORY -After the latest episode of Scandal where the main character declines a marriage proposal from a “highly desirable” Black Man this image was posted in a Facebook discussion group (shout out to RINGSIDE) of which I am a member.
The storyline of the affair aside, the thread discussion was about how many educated professional Black women pass up on “good guys” and then complain about being single. Here is what confuses me about this whole marriage dating desirability thing. If I am an adult person, working a decent job, able to handle the basics, food, shelter, clothing, entertainment without financial assistance from anyone, why would the fact that another adult that I meet is doing the same thing be impressive?
If I am an adult person, working a decent job, able to handle the basics, food, shelter, clothing, entertainment without financial assistance from anyone, why would the fact that another adult that I meet is doing the same thing be impressive?
I’m not being facetious, I’m just trying to understand why the fact that a man has a good job and is educated supposed to make him irresistible? Why are men surprised/upset/confused that women who are their professional and educational equals are looking for compatibility factors in the areas of values, recreation, spirituality, sexuality?
It’s not that we do not respect the hard work educated professional Black men have put in to reach their professional and/or financial goals( because we understand what it takes), its just that given that we are not looking for someone to help us with our basic needs, the fact that you do not need us to help you pay your bills doesn’t fulfill the voids we have in our lives, that we want/need a man for, thus not a motivation to want to date/marry you. It’s like a basic job requirement of having a bachelor’s degree. As a basic requirement to date me, you must be self-sufficient. However getting the actual job of being the guy I’m trying to marry requires specialized training/advanced degrees related to the job description, namely, what we want in a man.
Yes ONE thing we are considering when looking at a man as future mate COULD be his ability to hold things down if/we we are pregnant and/or not working while the children are small, but the thing is if we are BOTH on the same level professionally, we could ALWAYS save and PLAN TOGETHER on how to manage our household should we choose to have one of us stay at home with the kids (I say that because many people are NOT opting to have either parent stay at home and yes there are some stay at home Dads).
I agree that women have changed the game and are looking for men to be more than paychecks and penises, but I guess I don’t think its a bad thing unless a man really doesn’t want to be more than that. It’s not that we don’t think we need men, its just that what we need you for, SOME men don’t seem willing to provide or accept/understand that our compatibility/attraction to you is MORE IMPORTANT to us that how much money you make.
Our compatibility with to you is MORE IMPORTANT to us that how much money you make
I feel like many men just ignore that and keep going back to “but I’m educated and I have money so that means I’m in and you need to do whatever it takes to get me.” In the face of that reality, we have to choose to settle for some guy we’re not really feeling so that we can claim the title Mrs, or stay single and continue to search for a man we actually want to marry. Many of us are choosing the latter. It’s not that NONE of us know how to be the kind of woman a man wants to be with, it just is proving to be more of a challenge to find that kind of guy we want to be that for. Being a wife/life partner is hard work. We’re clear on that AND more than willing to go the distance for the right candidate, but PERSONALLY finding someone who I think could be worth that who ALSO actually WANTS to be married has been a challenge, so what is a Virtuous Vixen to do? What I know is that NOT ALL MEN think this way (Black or otherwise) so if a Black woman is committed to finding a man who she adores and wants to marry and build a life with, she needs to be open to the possibility that he may not come in a Chocolate wrapping. PERSONALLY It is taking something for me to really embrace that and put myself out there, but my heart tells me that when I truly open myself to love from all men, I’ll connect with the right man for me!
When I say we as Black women need date outside our race, its not because I hate Black men or have given up on them, its just that it doesn’t make sense to limit your options to just one pool of men. YES while being Black DOES mean there are a lot of things you will have in common, there are PLENTY of other compatibility factors outside of race that could make for a happy marriage too! If more professional educated Black women truly open their hearts and minds to the possibility of finding love in a man of any hue, we might start to see more happy relationships. No there is no guarantee, but continuing to do the same thing hoping for different results is INSANE!!