I was sharing with a friend the story of how my beloved is not ready to choose bliss (life with me and/or following his heart) and he (the friend) made an interesting comment that has stayed with me all week.

He said I was the last person my beloved should listen to regarding the direction of his life! I asked why and my friend said I had “ulterior motives”

I bring this up b/c the universe just blessed me with a new relationship model to share with the world. In this model one of your roles is to support, encourage & assist your partner in finding/ pursuing their life’s purpose.

No where on this model do you give them bad advice just because it would suit your wants/ needs/ desires.

Real love is not selfish. Real love is self less. When I broke up with my beloved. 10 years ago I was selfish & young. I was afraid he would hurt me so I ended things before he had the opportunity to do me wrong. I didn’t think about how it would affect him.

When we hooked up again (as friends) years later and his job offered him a position out of the country, I encouraged him to go even though it broke my heart to watch him leave. By that time I had grown up enough to understand that it wasn’t about me and what I wanted.

In the four years since I have had to learn that love is also unreasonable and that real love doesn’t fade. Now that he is at a crossroads in his life where once again he is being presented the opportunity to follow is heart (bliss) or continue to follow the world (hell) I see that love wants me to be his friend and champion EVENTHOUGH he is engaged to and having a baby with another woman!

Love says I will send you another beloved, but he needs you to support and encourage him in stepping into his greatness because the woman he is with is a “dream-crusher” and is slowly killing his spirit.

So while I do love him AND would love to have him as more than a friend, Love won’t let me remove myself from his life just because I can’t have him the way I want him. Love won’t let me have “ulterior motives” and the intent to seduce or entice him because the man who is ready for a woman like me will choose me and will not need to be convinced!

So the is real love and its not easy but it is awesome. I just wonder how many people really love their honey. And how many are really using their significant other to get what they want in life?

There was a discussion on twitter and on a blog I read about “Winter Boo” loosely defined as a person you hook up with from around thanksgiving until just before valentines day. The topic disturbed me because it is an example of how we intentionally use and abuse people for our own selfish desires.

To start a relationship with someone knowing from jump that you plan to cut them loose. Soon thereafter lacks honor, consideration, & integrity, unfortunately this is what people seem to be up to

You have to check out my blog on spice vs. drama and read the comments on facebook to get the background for this post.

He wrote :Women don’t want to risk sharing their sexuality with an undeserving man

For women, at least me and others like me who I am deeming “quality women”, we want to be sexually involved with men that we trust, love and feel respected and cherished by. What is missing is an understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, love, respect, and cherish a quality woman, how one earns that distinction and thus gets to be sexual with a quality woman, or the desire to put in the effort to do it.

So lets start with how one gets to be considered a trustworthy, loving, respectful, man who cherishes the women he is attempting to sex.

The first issue is that many mens primary motive for talking to or even being around women is to have sex.

He wrote:“A man is less likely to want to spend time with a woman if he doesn’t feel like he has a shot at some kind of sexual contact UNLESS he had already established a strong platonic connection with her and realizes her value as a true friend.”

If I accept that as true, it is no wonder that me and my friends remain without male companionship.  I only have sex with men that I would have as a friend. As a matter of fact one of the main questions I ask myself when considering when or if to have a relationship or relations with any man is

“If I did not find him physically attractive, would I REALLY be friends with him?”

If the answer to that question is no, I don’t go there.  Here is the thing, the ONLY WAY to be able to answer that question is to spend time with the guy NOT HAVING SEX (hence the concept of DATING).  So if while I am trying to find out if a man is a person of integrity (someone I can trust), of compassion (someone who will love & support me), respectful, and who demonstrates love in a way that I like to receive it (Check out the book The Five Love Languages for more information about this crucial component), he is busy trying to figure out how to convince me to have sex, the answer is typically “No.”  The reason its no is because everything he is doing is about trying to get in my pants so most of the time I can’t get a sense of who he really is and he comes off as inauthentic and sleazy.

I get that men like sex, no men love sex, and men love sex with women. YAY!!!  We like sex too AND  I need men to understand that great sex alone is not ever going to create an awesome relationship.  Now if you are not interested in having awesome relationships (defined as a relationship that lights you up everyday and inspires you) please keep selecting women based on how easy it is to have sex with them.  Stop reading this now, there is nothing of value here for you.

If you are ready to be a grown up and have a relationship with a quality woman that will meet ALL your needs, keep reading and take notes (soon I’ll be charging for this good sh*t)

Quality women value ourselves for more than just the fact that we happen to have been born with a vagina.   More than that, we do not want to be with a man whose primary interest is Sex.  While we certainly want our men to be attracted to us AND we want to have lots of hot passionate sex, we understand that sex is not the key to having an awesome relationship.  Great sex is the key to having orgasms and since there is more to life than orgasms and because we can achieve orgasm with or without a man, we are basing our choices in partners on more than sex.  Quality women are looking for quality relationships.

The concept of being a sex object (sought after primarily for sex) is objectionable to quality women because every woman has a vagina and can provide sex. While there are some things women can and should do to make sex with them phenomenal (that’s what my Vixen Training is about),sex alone will never result in a quality relationship.  If sex is a man’s primary reason for dealing with women and wanting to have special woman in his life,  it may not be possible for him to have a quality woman.  He needs to stay focused on women who don’t have very high standards when it comes to who they  have sex with.

The Friend Zone

He also wrote:  men don’t want to risk making a fool of themselves and opening up their heart, reputation and wallet only to find out that they’ve landed in the friend zone.

The problem with this thinking is that, we want to be intimate with men who we consider friend quality.

In effect, most quality women don’t sleep with men that we wouldn’t want to be friends with.

If men would start seeing the value in platonic female friendships, in having women as friends and stopped seeing the title “friend” as some sort of badge of death I think the world would turn up-side-down!   Unless you happen to be a look alike for Will Smith, Morris Chestnut, Brad Pitt, or some other ridiculously handsome man, most quality women are not going to sleep with you because of how you look.   Its going to take some effort.

What’s good to know, is that it doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money, but it will require you to open your heart.  That is what we really want.  If you give your heart, we’ll give you our body.  That’s just the way it is.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.  Trust me, after these past few weeks, I know that being vulnerable will not kill you.  I have tried to avoid it much of my adult life, but now I know that its not the end of the world.  The payoff of having someone in your life that you adore and who adores you is worth the risk!

I am not advocating purely platonic relationships, but more often than not, men are too salacious too soon.   FYI, we know that you want to sleep with us.  Try as you might, you don’t really do a great job of hiding it.  However, lacing your conversation with innuendo and suggestive comments is not going to make sex happen any sooner. If you want to get a woman comfortable enough with you to have sex, befriend her and romance her at the same time!  The key to being a good friend is opening your heart.  So if what he writes is true. You are standing in the way of your dream girl because you refuse to be a friend to her.

As you date her ask yourself: “Am I being a good friend to her? ” and “Am I being romantic?”  If you don’t know what it means to be a good friend or how to be romantic check out the love and relationships section of my reading list, it has awesome books with excellent information.

When men choose to avoid risk or being vulnerable, and ” go after easier targets that they aren’t really interested in anyway so the loss doesn’t mean anything to them,”  they rob themselves and us of the joy of being in  fulfilling relationships.  If you keep making your top mission sexing us, how it occurs is that you don’t care about the rest of us, the parts of us that we think are phenomenal and actually want to be appreciated for and we then lose interest in you.

Consider that woman are people and we actually make excellent friends!  The woman you choose to make part of your life as a girlfriend and especially as your wife should be a friend.  So if you stop making it all about sex and start asking yourself, “If I wasn’t sexually attracted to her, would I want her as a friend?” and can’t answer yes, break it off and move on to the next Diva.

For the record, friends trust each other (she won’t rifle through your phone and personal effects), friends give to each other (she won’t always expect you to pay for everything and will treat you sometimes), friends support you (she will make your dreams and desires a priority and do what it takes to assist you in fulfilling them).  If a woman doesn’t trust, give to, and support you, keep it moving, no matter how beautiful she is or how great the sex is!

I am seeing the problem with relationships. I need to help the men of the world understand the difference between Spice and Drama.  I have long wondered why men tend to choose crazy women and then complain about them.  First I thought that the guys were just weird or something, but now I see that they want to avoid being bored!

One of my male friends and I had a candid conversation and it became  clear that many men are under the assumption that if a woman is “nice” that means she’s going to be boring in the bedroom.  They think that if she is short-tempered, loud, or tends to flip out, she will be a wildcat when it comes to sex.  I am here to  let you all know that this simply is not true!

The List could go on and on.  The point is that each of these scenarios will get your heart pumping and lots of adrenaline rushing, but while the spicy ones are awesome and could be part of a healthy relationship with an awesome woman.   The Drama is just unnecessary stress.

I understand the need for “spice” in a relationship.  One of the biggest complaints women have about “nice” guys is that they are boring.  Here is the thing there are some nice girls that are boring AND there are lot nice girls who are quite spicy once you get to know them.  The great thing about these women is that they don’t bring any drama to your life.  They are generally easy going, loving, and fun to be with, AND; they require that you actually take the time to get to know them and build a relationship before they bring out all the spice.

The drama queens are often spicy too, but they bring with them a lot of drama and stress.    More often then not they jump into sex and relations early on and it seems easier to be with them than the nice divas.  What you often trade is your sanity and long-term happiness.  Keep in mind all that time and energy you spend fighting, breaking up and making up is time that could be spent furthering your career and building a great life with a nice yet spicy women.

At the end of the day Gentlemen you have have decide that it is important for you to have a quality woman in your life even if it means you actually have to put some effort into cultivating a relationship!  Is your life worth it?  Just because something easy doesn’t mean its good for you.  Great relationships with quality women are worth the effort it takes to build them.  On the other hand, you can keep on dating these drama queens an have these lives where you are married to or tied to these women and suffer everyday for the sake of “spice.”

FYI to all my Nice Girls out there, you need to make sure you are intouch with your naughty side b/c men love it and if you need any assistance with that I urge you to check out the Diva Makeover Vixen Program.  Its all about releasing the Vixen inside because every good girl has a bad side and that’s a good thing!

So this what it takes to mend a broken heart? Its been so long since I lost anyone I loved I didn’t know what was going on.  Tonight on the show it became clear thanks to the insight of my fabulous co-host. So after my beloved fell off Saturday night and then started trying to pick a fight it was clear what he decided. Rather than just saying “I’ve chosen option C” he used his emergency as an excuse. Its hard to choose to break your heart and turn your back on possibility.
At the same time I know that its over & it hurts. Today & tonight is what me processing the reality of not being with the man I love looks like. Sheesh this is a beast, then when you combine that with holiday blahs and business woes, no wonder I fell apart today. What really sucks is that it may not be over yet! I know I said I wanted to be open to experiencing the full range of emotions, but I didn’t bargain for this. Love is a monster and mending a broken heart is the worst.
I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, I just wish I didn’t have to walk down it. Why are people such idiots!  It would all be so easy if he just would choose to be true to himself and of course be with me!