12/3/09

Or rather lack thereof.  Right now I have decided I am in the Twilight Zone.  The life and the world I am in is not real.  It can’t be.  None of this makes any sense and therefore I must be dreaming.  I am just waiting for the day I wake up.  My latest conversation with a potential partner brought to light what could be the problem.

TRUST!!

There is no trust in the world for most people when it comes to business and I simply don’t operate in that paradigm.  I am not instantly suspicious nor do I assume you are “out to get me.”  So when I approach a potential business partner  I don’t start off in the negative (On the other hand, I do need to trust my gut and cut people loose if they start acting crazy instead of “trying to work things out.”  ).  On the other hand, it seems most people are coming from a space of distrust.  Their conversation is coming from a place of what are you after or what is your “angle” how are you trying to “get me” or “get over on me.”

12/7/09

What is funny is that while I will approach a business relationship with openess and trust I am the exact opposite when it comes to dating.  I am not as extreme to think that men are out to get me, but I see dating as the time to determine if they are a person who I will trust enough to be intimate with (as well as to see if we have anything in common).   Unless I get an initial red flag when we meet I will trust you enough to give you a chance, also known as the opportunity to go on a date with me.

When I look at what is going on around me, people met online at a club or in the street and fall into these insta-relationships.  They claim “I’m in love,” start having sex and “being together” with people they just met, yet these same people WILL NOT DO BUSINESS WITH OTHERS!  This totally supports my Twilight Zone theory.   I will quickly jump into a business relationship because I figure the most we could lose is some money, but I take my time with dating because the worst thing that could happen is that I could have my heart-broken, catch a disease, or end up dead (inviting a psycho to your home is not a good look). I am doing the opposite of the majority of my community, thus why I am soooo frustrated!

I got this insight over this weekend as I was in the Tantra Nova Divine Feminine Workshop.  The faciliator Dr. Elsbeth Mueth pointed out that when it comes to relationships (non-business) I don’t trust!  I had started this post before attending the workshop and when she said that I had an AHA moment.  This was a HUGE Breakthrough for me.

I am going to start approaching business relationships like I approach dating.  I have been very successful at avoiding betrayal and heartache b/c of my approach to dating.  The good thing is that all of my boyfriends have been great , the bad thing is that there have not been than many of them   In reality I would prefer to have had a few business partnerships that were awesome vs  all of the foolishness I have experienced.

As for dating, I’m not really looking to make a major change.  Entering into personal/intimate relationships without a proper foundation is foolhardy.  When people don’t take the time to date/court and establish a basis of trust you get the kind of scenarios people write about on Twitter and Facebook all the time.  Out of not really trusting, yet being in a “relationship” people do things like go through their phone, check their email, and test them on sites like Facebook to see if they are “cheating.”  I see crazy questions on Twitter and Facebook all day like “If you looked in your man’s phone and saw naked pictures of other women and kinky text messages, do you say anything or do you remain silent because you shouldn’t have been in their phone anyway?”

With the few relationships I have had, there has been trust for me, such that even though I have had the pleasure of dating attractive men, I have never walked around fearful that they were cheating on me.  In the instances that I was afraid that they were cheating, I took action to nip it in the bud (turns out it was my own unresolved trust issues with my Dad from childhood vs them really being cheaters, but that’s another post topic).    I have no regrets about that, I just want to know where I can meet some more phenomenal men like my ex’s!

So thank you universe for having me learn this lesson this weekend.  To think, in my depression, I almost didn’t go because I just wanted to  stay home and mope.  So in applying this lesson to businesses, I see some immediate changes that need to be made, it will take longer to get things done, but until there is a shift in my people’s approach business, I have to accept how things are and spend more time “courting” potential partners so that we can establish a trust-based relationship.  I have to be willing to cut people loose when then don’t deliver and have faith that someone else will be sent along to replace them.

You have to check out my blog on spice vs. drama and read the comments on facebook to get the background for this post.

He wrote :Women don’t want to risk sharing their sexuality with an undeserving man

For women, at least me and others like me who I am deeming “quality women”, we want to be sexually involved with men that we trust, love and feel respected and cherished by. What is missing is an understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, love, respect, and cherish a quality woman, how one earns that distinction and thus gets to be sexual with a quality woman, or the desire to put in the effort to do it.

So lets start with how one gets to be considered a trustworthy, loving, respectful, man who cherishes the women he is attempting to sex.

The first issue is that many mens primary motive for talking to or even being around women is to have sex.

He wrote:“A man is less likely to want to spend time with a woman if he doesn’t feel like he has a shot at some kind of sexual contact UNLESS he had already established a strong platonic connection with her and realizes her value as a true friend.”

If I accept that as true, it is no wonder that me and my friends remain without male companionship.  I only have sex with men that I would have as a friend. As a matter of fact one of the main questions I ask myself when considering when or if to have a relationship or relations with any man is

“If I did not find him physically attractive, would I REALLY be friends with him?”

If the answer to that question is no, I don’t go there.  Here is the thing, the ONLY WAY to be able to answer that question is to spend time with the guy NOT HAVING SEX (hence the concept of DATING).  So if while I am trying to find out if a man is a person of integrity (someone I can trust), of compassion (someone who will love & support me), respectful, and who demonstrates love in a way that I like to receive it (Check out the book The Five Love Languages for more information about this crucial component), he is busy trying to figure out how to convince me to have sex, the answer is typically “No.”  The reason its no is because everything he is doing is about trying to get in my pants so most of the time I can’t get a sense of who he really is and he comes off as inauthentic and sleazy.

I get that men like sex, no men love sex, and men love sex with women. YAY!!!  We like sex too AND  I need men to understand that great sex alone is not ever going to create an awesome relationship.  Now if you are not interested in having awesome relationships (defined as a relationship that lights you up everyday and inspires you) please keep selecting women based on how easy it is to have sex with them.  Stop reading this now, there is nothing of value here for you.

If you are ready to be a grown up and have a relationship with a quality woman that will meet ALL your needs, keep reading and take notes (soon I’ll be charging for this good sh*t)

Quality women value ourselves for more than just the fact that we happen to have been born with a vagina.   More than that, we do not want to be with a man whose primary interest is Sex.  While we certainly want our men to be attracted to us AND we want to have lots of hot passionate sex, we understand that sex is not the key to having an awesome relationship.  Great sex is the key to having orgasms and since there is more to life than orgasms and because we can achieve orgasm with or without a man, we are basing our choices in partners on more than sex.  Quality women are looking for quality relationships.

The concept of being a sex object (sought after primarily for sex) is objectionable to quality women because every woman has a vagina and can provide sex. While there are some things women can and should do to make sex with them phenomenal (that’s what my Vixen Training is about),sex alone will never result in a quality relationship.  If sex is a man’s primary reason for dealing with women and wanting to have special woman in his life,  it may not be possible for him to have a quality woman.  He needs to stay focused on women who don’t have very high standards when it comes to who they  have sex with.

The Friend Zone

He also wrote:  men don’t want to risk making a fool of themselves and opening up their heart, reputation and wallet only to find out that they’ve landed in the friend zone.

The problem with this thinking is that, we want to be intimate with men who we consider friend quality.

In effect, most quality women don’t sleep with men that we wouldn’t want to be friends with.

If men would start seeing the value in platonic female friendships, in having women as friends and stopped seeing the title “friend” as some sort of badge of death I think the world would turn up-side-down!   Unless you happen to be a look alike for Will Smith, Morris Chestnut, Brad Pitt, or some other ridiculously handsome man, most quality women are not going to sleep with you because of how you look.   Its going to take some effort.

What’s good to know, is that it doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money, but it will require you to open your heart.  That is what we really want.  If you give your heart, we’ll give you our body.  That’s just the way it is.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.  Trust me, after these past few weeks, I know that being vulnerable will not kill you.  I have tried to avoid it much of my adult life, but now I know that its not the end of the world.  The payoff of having someone in your life that you adore and who adores you is worth the risk!

I am not advocating purely platonic relationships, but more often than not, men are too salacious too soon.   FYI, we know that you want to sleep with us.  Try as you might, you don’t really do a great job of hiding it.  However, lacing your conversation with innuendo and suggestive comments is not going to make sex happen any sooner. If you want to get a woman comfortable enough with you to have sex, befriend her and romance her at the same time!  The key to being a good friend is opening your heart.  So if what he writes is true. You are standing in the way of your dream girl because you refuse to be a friend to her.

As you date her ask yourself: “Am I being a good friend to her? ” and “Am I being romantic?”  If you don’t know what it means to be a good friend or how to be romantic check out the love and relationships section of my reading list, it has awesome books with excellent information.

When men choose to avoid risk or being vulnerable, and ” go after easier targets that they aren’t really interested in anyway so the loss doesn’t mean anything to them,”  they rob themselves and us of the joy of being in  fulfilling relationships.  If you keep making your top mission sexing us, how it occurs is that you don’t care about the rest of us, the parts of us that we think are phenomenal and actually want to be appreciated for and we then lose interest in you.

Consider that woman are people and we actually make excellent friends!  The woman you choose to make part of your life as a girlfriend and especially as your wife should be a friend.  So if you stop making it all about sex and start asking yourself, “If I wasn’t sexually attracted to her, would I want her as a friend?” and can’t answer yes, break it off and move on to the next Diva.

For the record, friends trust each other (she won’t rifle through your phone and personal effects), friends give to each other (she won’t always expect you to pay for everything and will treat you sometimes), friends support you (she will make your dreams and desires a priority and do what it takes to assist you in fulfilling them).  If a woman doesn’t trust, give to, and support you, keep it moving, no matter how beautiful she is or how great the sex is!

My sister and I are promoting our upcoming event Black Diamond Ski Weekend and Winter Festival on Facebook and as a result, some gentlemen have been calling her.

Dude A calls her last night, she was napping and didn’t realize it was after 11p.  Dude A asks if it is okay to call her at that time, she says yes.  As she wakes up she is trying to share with Dude A about the event and answer any questions he may have about the event.  Dude A on the other hand is asking her about her Halloween costume (from a picture she has on Facebook).  Then he’s asking her can he come over to see her!  Needless to say she ended the call and NO Dude A is not coming for a visit.

Dude B calls today and she’s sharing with him about the upcoming event.  Like Dude A, Dude B is more interested in her than in the event.  He also is trying to “come over.”  She explains that she’s not comfortable with having strangers to her home but could be open to meeting somewhere for a Date.  Dude B goes on to say that we’re in a recession so he doesn’t believe in wasting his money on dating and only takes out his “woman.”  She asks how does one become his “woman.” If he doesn’t date.  He says he spends “quality time” with them at his or their homes first and then if things work out they’ll go out and he’ll spend money.  He also shares that he doesn’t date women who live far away b/c he doesn’t want to waste gas money!  He says that women who require men to take them out are “uppity” and that women who voice a safety concern about having strange men in their home are “paranoid.”

As she is sharing this with me, we are alternating between outrage and uncontrollable laughter!  She said she just kept engaging him to find out more about what he was thinking.  He said he was on the “Residential Tip” nowadays!

GENTLEMEN

All jokes aside, fellas that is simply not cool.  I want you to take a moment and put yourself in our shoes.  Think about your sisters and daughters and ask yourself would you really want your daughter or Sister entertaining men she met off of Facebook or even in the street in her home with no one else around?

YOU know that YOU are not crazy and that YOU would never do anything to hurt a young lady you were seeing, but what about all the men who DO?   Everyday in the news we hear about women being raped, killed, beaten, and kidnapped.  Consider that when we first meet you WE DON”T KNOW IF YOU ARE A CRAZY OR NOT!  That is why we go out on dates!  We (women) have to ascertain if you are a crazy or sane one so we can relax and then invite you into our personal space for “quality time.”   Stop being insulted and indignant when we suggest that we meet somewhere for our first date vs. having you come pick us up from our homes.   We are not being “uppity, scary, or paranoid” we are being SMART.

If you want to date a dumb and or crazy girl, guaranteed to cause you a lot of drama, heartache, and stress,  please continue to spend “quality time” with women who trust you without taking the time to  date you.  However if you truly want to be in a relationship or just spend some fun time  with a well-balanced, sane, loving woman, DATE WOMEN WHO PRACTICE BASIC SAFETY WHEN MEETING NEW MEN.

• Does not divulge her home address early on
• Requests to meet you somewhere for the first couple of dates before allowing you to pick her up from her home
• Suggests a first meeting in a public well-lite location, especially for women you meet online

I realize, there are a lot of crazy women out here and that is has become difficult for you nice guys to weed out the crzy women from the fabulous ones (like me and my sister) so I am sharing this little tidbit from my upcoming book to help you out! (You can thank me later by purchasing a copy or attending a seminar)

As for the financial logic of “times are tough so why waste money on bad dates,”  get creative!  Dates do not have to be expensive.  You can meet at a Bookstore for coffee and conversation!  It meets all the criteria: well-lite, public, and could be somewhere in between where each of you live so you don’t have to drive far! You can go to the museum and learn something new while getting to know each other!  During the warm months, go for  a walk and get some ice cream (More free golden nuggets of dating fabulousness for you)!

LADIES

Divas, if a man steps to you with some wack game like Dude A & Dude B:

• calling at an unreasonable hour for your first conversation (after 9:00p)
• trying to get into your home on the first couple of dates
• making lascivious comments about your body (sexy Halloween costume or not)

RUN don’t walk away from this fellow.  He is showing you upfront that he does not understand how to treat a woman and will only get crazier as time progresses.

Stay tuned for more Dating tips from A Diva and the upcoming book & seminar series!

I had the pleasure of being on The Kendall Moore show this past Saturday to talk about Exoticise and My Goddess Retreat.  A friend of mine from high school was visiting and joined me down at the station.  During the show I taught a few moves from our Lap Dancing Class.

Since my friend was in the studio I had her participate and afterwards at dinner she shared something that gave me pause. She says “When did you get into all of this?  It just doesn’t seem like you.”  She turns to her friend who was at the restaurant with her and says,  ” I have known Kania for a long time and we are very similar, so I don’t get it.”   I ask her what she means and she goes on to say, “I would think a person who does that (teaches exotic dance and talks about performing oral sex) would be slutty, but you’re not slutty.”

I chuckled a bit at the comment, but then conversation went on and she said that she couldn’t see herself taking any classes like mine b/c  learning to do an exotic dance and performing for her partner would seem less sexy and more orchestrated.  I shared with her that Exoticise is not about performing a dance for your partner.  I was trying to get across how learning the art of exotic dance and sensual movement opens up a different side of you.  It’s what they were talking about on the Oprah show that inspired me to start my business, your inner sexpot!  We all have one, but more often than not, most women have yet to meet her and can go their entire life without making her acquaintance.  No I’m not slutty, but I do have a naughty side that I have embraced fully and would love to share with that special someone.  She is bold, sensual, and very seductive.  I didn’t know she even existed until after I started teaching Exoticise about 4 years ago.

I thought that when I decided to have sex that I got it.  Then when one of my ex’s turned me on to Tantra, I thought I got it.  But when I started learning my first Exoticise routine and found that I couldn’t even look in the mirror and feel on my body, I know I didn’t have it!   When I started Exoticise it was all about a fun way to help women get fit.  I had been told about the Oprah show, but I thought it was for women who had lost their sexy as a result of kids, marriage, work, etc..  I just knew that as a young beautiful, single woman that had never lost my sexy and so there was nothing to find, boy was I in for a surprise.  Starting Exoticise and becoming a master instructor has had a HUGE impact on how I view myself as a woman and as a sexual being.  No it hasn’t  made me a slut, but it has transformed my sensual swag.

It’s hard to explain, but its like one of the other guests on the show said, “It just does something to you.  You feel extra sexy!”  So while my commitment is still to promote health, fitness, and well-being to women with Exotic Dance for fitness, I have expanded my mission to having  each and every woman find and embrace the VIXEN inside!   Consider that you don’t have to be a slut to enjoy sex and be sensual.    If you, like my friend, have shied away from Exotic Dance classes or workshops or sex or sensuality b/c you don’t think “good girls” do things like that, think again!   Every “Good” girl should have a “Bad” side and relish it!  I love Jaguar Rain, and promise that once you meet your inner Vixen, you will never be the same!

Join me and my sensuality educators Yanni B and Dr. E at My Goddess Retreat when it comes to your area  or enroll in the Diva Makeover in the Vixen Curriculum and embrace the Naughty Diva within!  Sometimes, its Good to be Bad!

I responded to a post on one of my favorite blogs and thought I’d share with you!

What Blaire points to is the one of the things that tends to kill of most long term relationships/marriages (lack of sex). It’s true, most women need attentiveness from their mate in order to feel amorous towards them. It doesn’t mean focusing ALL attention on her ALL the time, but it’s the reason couples are being urged to have “date nights.”

Most of the women I know in LTR’s number 1 complaint is that they never go out anymore and/or that “he” doesn’t do nice things for them anymore.

In turn they stop getting “pretty” for him and he complains that she looks a mess. The only solution to this is communication. Women have a responsibility to keep themselves looking nice (yes I said it and so what!) and men have a responsibility to tend their their woman’s attention needs. For all my mother’s out there, it may mean having your honey watch the kids or pay for a babysitter while you go to the salon, spa, or gym to tend to your beauty regimen and guys it may mean putting “girlfriend or wife time” into your calendar so you don’t forget!

This is the game of how relationships work and if you don’t want to play, stay single!

What do you think?