I responded to a post on one of my favorite blogs and thought I’d share with you!

What Blaire points to is the one of the things that tends to kill of most long term relationships/marriages (lack of sex). It’s true, most women need attentiveness from their mate in order to feel amorous towards them. It doesn’t mean focusing ALL attention on her ALL the time, but it’s the reason couples are being urged to have “date nights.”

Most of the women I know in LTR’s number 1 complaint is that they never go out anymore and/or that “he” doesn’t do nice things for them anymore.

In turn they stop getting “pretty” for him and he complains that she looks a mess. The only solution to this is communication. Women have a responsibility to keep themselves looking nice (yes I said it and so what!) and men have a responsibility to tend their their woman’s attention needs. For all my mother’s out there, it may mean having your honey watch the kids or pay for a babysitter while you go to the salon, spa, or gym to tend to your beauty regimen and guys it may mean putting “girlfriend or wife time” into your calendar so you don’t forget!

This is the game of how relationships work and if you don’t want to play, stay single!

What do you think?

Today Ms. O had a show about teens and sex, well really about children and sex, but they talked about children as young as 4 years old.  I didn’t watch the whole show because I was busy getting my day started, but I already have plenty of thoughts about this subject.  The expert was promoting teaching children in particular young women and girls to self-pleasure (masturbation) as a means to deter their sexual activity.  I was shocked to hear it not because I don’t agree with it, but because prior to today I have never heard ANYONE in mainstream media advocating for this.

When I started developing my youth program, Transformed Teens, part of the curriculum was health and sex education.  One of the things I wanted to put in for the girls in particular was the concept of how to pleasure themselves so that they understand from a young age that sex and sexual activities are supposed to be something they enjoy and receive pleasure from, NOT something they do to get and/or keep a boy around or that they have to endure until it’s over!

There are so many girls who have sex (oral, vaginal, or anal) for the first time just because they don’t want to lose their boyfriend and/or be unpopular.   These first experiences tend to be painful and less than mutually rewarding.    The boys don’t know what they are doing at that age and simply do not have the skills to please the girl, but at the same time, the girl doesn’t know what she’s doing either!   Fast forward to adulthood, and I meet a HUGE number (not all just a disturbingly large number) of women who do not truly enjoy sex and just do it because they are “expected” to by their boyfriends/ husbands/ dates.  We hear about women hitting their sexual peak in their 30’s as if it’s some sort of physiological phenomena, but I have another theory.  I think that by your 30’s you finally feel bold enough to demand what you want and/or explore and get clear about what you want!  So this sexual peak is not so much biological outside of the fact that maybe we get fed up with being unsatisfied for so many years.

What I took from this show was that by educating young girls and teens about their bodies and empowering them around taking ownership of their sexual satisfaction, they would be less prone to “give it up” to some boy.  I smiled because I have been saying for years how if I had a daughter, I would be proud to buy her her first vibrator!  I would make sure she understands that sex has an outcome and goes along with responsibility for pregnancy, STD’s and emotional well-being, and empower her to satiate her sexual desires without compromising her safety or well-being!

I didn’t have sex as a teen because my mother told me that if I came home pregnant she would kick me out and because my church said that fornication was a sin.  I didn’t want to be homeless and at the time as a born-again Christian I wanted to follow the laws of God.  So I worked hard to keep myself away from temptation.  I avoided boys that I “really” liked b/c I was afraid I would not be able to maintain my wits about me and was always feeling guilty about my desires.  As a liberated woman looking back on that whole experience, while I am grateful I did not get sexually active at a young age, all the fear, shame, confusion, and guilt I could do without.

As I got older, my choice to not have sex was based on maintaining my well-being.  I didn’t want any parts of the stress and drama that I saw so many of my friends going through when it came to their relationships.  I knew I wanted my first time to be with a man who was sweet, tender, skilled, and concerned with me having an enjoyable experience and a I got just that.  My boyfriend at the time ( I was 23) was all that and more and my first time was memorable in a good way!  Since then I have not had that many partners, but by being an educated and empowered woman, I am very clear about what I like and am very communicative with my partners about what pleases me and thoroughly enjoy myself when I do get my groove on. I want every girl  and woman to be able to have that experience  and it’s only possible if she is educated and empowered to be a demand for it!

I can’t say at what age people should have sex, that is a personal experience, however; I am clear that 12, 13, 14 is waaay to young!  At the same time our bodies are designed to hit puberty at that age and our hormones are a driving us to want to be close and intimate with another person.  By teaching our young women  that they do not have to have a boyfriend, that  their sexual desires are natural, that their sexual experiences should be safe and pleasurable, AND encouraging them to pleasure themselves I agree that they will be less prone to have sex just because everyone and/or their boyfriend says they should.

Please note, I am not leaving out the boy’s needs, but historically there has been a double standard when it comes to sex and the genders.   In my youth program we also plan to educate our young men about being gentlemen AND about how to be responsible around sex and intimacy. I know that some of my practices will be considered controversial because I am an advocate for shared sexual experiences without intercourse such as mutual masturbation and manual stimulation, but staunchly adverse to the exchange of bodily fluids (significantly reduces likelihood of pregnancy and STD’s).

I agree with my mom that if you get pregnant it means you are making the choice to be grown because you are now responsible for another life.  Parenting is a choice that should not be made lightly, AND,  I want our youth to have the freedom,carefree experience , and unlimited possibility of being young for as long as possible , so let’s not rush adulthood.   At the same time I am a realist that teenagers are little bundles of hormones walking around hot and horny!  I think by being open and honest with our children about sex, sexual desires, possible consequences of sexual activity, and ways to achieve sexual pleasure while minimizing risk, we will see few teen pregnancies, instances of HIV, and other STD’s, and more positive healthy adult relationships!

So while my new Diva Makeover Program (coming Summer 2009) addresses grown women’s needs around sensuality, sexuality, and being fabulous, I think we need to start when they are young so maybe one day I won’t have any customers!