Have you ever had a meditative cry? Let me tell you it is amazing. I’m going to share with you a blog I wrote back in August but never published. Enjoy!
I have found myself feeling off and a bit unsettled. It started with crying after attending a family reunion event with a friend of mine and I was present to these feelings of loss around my family situation. Situation meaning the loss of my mother and my sister and being single meaning not married with no children at 40. It felt like so much was missing, and that in spite of everything I have done and continue to do, my life is incomplete.
So I’ve been dealing with that and trying to do some of my coursework for my ministerial training, but I was blocked and struggling. So given my years of training I realized the way out, was through. I opened myself up to know what was “wrong.” I’d stopped taking my St. John’s Wort, and that could play a part, but depression is just a symptom of deep anger and hopelessness (Heal Your Body, Louise Hay), and while drugs or herbal supplements are great for helping temporarily clear the fog, our access to healing is to deal with the cause.
Our access to healing is to deal with the cause.
So I asked Spirit to reveal the cause. Immediately it occurred that today it’s my mother’s birthday. She would have been 68. It’s been 21 years since my mom transitioned and she was 47 at that time but by age 43 she was bedridden and incapable of caring for herself. I was one if her primary caregivers and in high school at the time. In many ways it was like caring for a child. I often say I was a teen mother before I even had sex! I was really angry about having to do it and I also felt guilty about being angry. I worked through a lot of that confusion in therapy, but that period of my life had some long-term consequences when it came to dating and relating.
So fast forward 20+ years and I look back and realize one of those consequences was the inability to connect with a man in such a manner that it resulted in a long-term relationship and children. However, I am a mothering, nurturing type, so there definitely was a sense of hopelessness and emptiness I’ve been carrying around.
So there you have it, again with all my training I know what comes next is to simply allow those feelings to pass through me. I went out to the pool in the beautiful sunshine with the serene fountain in the background and meditated on the understanding and grace of God. In that meditative space the tears came up and I just allow them to flow. Crying is very therapeutic, tears have been shown to be anti-inflammatory and given that most of my health concerns have to deal with stress-related inflammation, the more I cry the better I feel! The key is me allowing myself to go into that space and knowing it’s okay to feel the strong emotions of despair, sadness, anger, Injustice, etc,,, you name it, and they all probably cycled through.
At the close of the meditation, I feel…tired, but more calm and empty. Now I fill myself with the knowing that I am blessed abundantly. Simply being able to go out to my pool and spend 20 minutes meditating and crying is a blessing. To have the knowledge and skill set to process some of these things is a blessing. To know that this is the life that I have, that I’ve created, and that all is well and in divine order is a blessing. To know that I have a choice as to whether or not I continue to be single and childless is also a blessing. The key is not to try to deny the feelings of anger and/or hopelessness, but instead to acknowledge and then allow them to move along until then focus your energy on what you want, versus what you don’t have. If you’re feeling down, angry, upset, frustrated, confused, or anything else, know that coaching and/or counseling can help, and one place to start could simply be meditation.
If you’re interested in having a coach who knows what it’s like to deal with life powerfully, call me, text me, or email me and let’s set up your initial transformation consultation!
Until then, be well and stay fabulous.
~ Coach Kania!