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Jul 27

The Independent Woman Myth

There’s an interesting myth I’ve encountered about what it means to be an independent woman.  Particularly as it relates to dating and/or being in a long-term committed relationship or marriage.  It took me a minute to catch on to what was going on though.

I would be in these interesting discussions and debates around what’s so with professional educated Black women and marriage and something just didn’t make any sense.  Finally, it clicked. Women say “independent’ and many men hear “I don’t/won’t/can’t play team.”

Women say “independent’ and many men hear “I don’t/won’t/can’t play team.”

Recently I posted a blog about the Power Couple and a guy wrote in the comment section “What’s wrong with being interdependent?”  The comment confused me because at no point did the word interdependent come up in the post NOR had I ever made a criticism of the interdependent concept.  The comment however got me to reflect on some other conversations and it hit me.  This is a classic communication breakdown.

For the record, being an INDEPENDENT WOMAN has NOTHING to do with a woman’s ability to be a team player/interdependent.

being an INDEPENDENT WOMAN has NOTHING to do with a woman’s ability to be a team player/interdependent.

An INDEPENDENT woman has her SURVIVAL needs handled.  She is secure in her ability take care of her basic needs (food, shelter, water, safety, etc..) so her focus in life is on the next levels.

An INDEPENDENT woman has her SURVIVAL needs handled.  She is secure in her ability take care of her basic needs (food, shelter, water, safety, etc..) so her focus in life is on the next levels.

Photo: http://transmutrix.com/what-is-chakra-therapy-energy-therapy/

If we’re dealing with Spirituality and the Chakra system, our Root (1st) Chakra has to do with SURVIVAL.  If we’re being more psychological Maslow’s Heirarchy of needs levels 1 & 2 deal with survival as well.   Once a woman has her survival needs met she can select men using different criteria than in the past (meaning who has and is sharing the best resources for her survival/ability to provide financially).  That can and has been confusing to a lot of men.  Men who before would be considered “good catches” because they have steady employment and the means to provide weren’t getting chosen like they used to.   

Yeah for a while those newly independent women were looking for “good-time” men.  Dudes with skills to make them feel good!

http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

From a Spiritual perspective we’re talking the 2nd Sacral Chakra pleasure & passion! These womem wanted excitement! This is also the reason many women with “good” men (meaning her provides her survival needs) cheat w/ artists and/or bad boys.  Once those basic needs are met, a woman naturally wants some stimulation! FYI Maslow’s Pyramid doesn’t really speak to this, but I’d say it’s the surface level of the 3rd Level of needs.  I think he missed out on the need for fun in his analysis (Boo!).

SO I totally get why many “good” men were/are not feeling “Independent women.”  It really could seem like her value system was/is jacked up.  HOWEVER, I offer this.  There is a distinction between a MATURE and an IMMATURE Independent woman.  It’s really no different than the difference between a mature and immature “needy” woman.  One is going to make a choice in man/mate based on silly criteria and the other is going to be thinking big picture.

SO YES Fellas an IMMATURE Independent woman is NOT GOING TO PLAY TEAM.  This however is not a function her of Independence and much more a function of her MINDSET.  She is going to be selfish, self-centered, and in the “it’s all about me phase of her life.”  It’s called being young and dumb.  The fact that she has her own money to spend while doing it doesn’t make her any better/worse that needy woman out here running game on men to get bills paid, nails done, clothes bought, etc…  The immature needy woman is just more recognizable and acceptable, but it’s a function of the same mentality

An IMMATURE Independent woman is NOT GOING TO PLAY TEAM

HOWEVER, with maturity (hopefully) a woman learns that pleasure and passion are NOT going to fulfill her. As she develops her 3rd Chakra (Solar Plexus) and the world of will-power and discernment. She becomes more responsible and knows that she needs more from a man than good “D” and excitement (or money/gifts).  She wants someone she can trust, rely on, and she begins to make diffetent choices in men.  Maslow calls this Level 3 “Love and belongingness needs – friendship, intimacy, affection and love, – from work group, family, friends, romantic relationships.”

By the time a MATURE Independent woman is looking for “Mr. Right,” she is not looking for a man with money (but yes he needs to be fiscally solvent) or a man with mad charisma and  bedroom skills (but yes he needs to be fun and satisfy her sexually) she wants that 4th Heart Chakra action a man who offers love, warmth, compassion, and joy! She wants to connect HEART TO HEART!  It’s a bridge between Maslow’s 3rd & 4th levels.  He defined the fourth level  as Esteem needs – achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others.  She wants love, intimacy, affection and yes RESPECT in her relationship.

This is where the advantage of an Independent woman comes in, especially for a man looking to strike out on his own in business/follow his dreams, she isn’t going to freak out if he wants to quit his job and start a business/pursue his passion because she knows she can hold it down.  She was never looking to a man as her savior/means to survive so she can support him, emotionally and maybe even financially, as he takes the risks to move them to the next level.  She’s got his back and that is a good thing.

When a MATURE Independent woman is ready for a long-term committed relationship, she is ready to be connected, INTERDEPENDENT, supportive, nurturing, and loving.  She wants to build WITH someone on the same page and wants to receive those things as well.  The independence does not mean she won’t make a good wife/life-partner, it simply means with her you two can achieve MORE if you work as a TEAM as opposed to her just being a cheerleader or someone her man has to constantly worry about.  It means that YES sometimes she will cheer him on, sometimes they will work in partnership, and YES sometimes he will cheer her on when it’s her time to shine.  She is not in competition with him because they are working towards the same goal.

Once a MATURE INDEPENDENT woman meets her match, she no longer wants to or has to do it on her own. She doesn’t run around saying “I don’t need a man,” or making her man feel like an option.  She’s working with her honey and together they do great things.  She knows she needs a man, not for surviving life, she wants and NEEDS him for winning…BIG.

A Mature Independent woman…knows she needs a man, not for surviving life, for winning…BIG.

Photo: http://www.thesecurityblogger.com/five-myths-about-netflow/myth-busted/

Read More at VirtuousVixen.com

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