I was sharing with a friend the story of how my beloved is not ready to choose bliss (life with me and/or following his heart) and he (the friend) made an interesting comment that has stayed with me all week.

He said I was the last person my beloved should listen to regarding the direction of his life! I asked why and my friend said I had “ulterior motives”

I bring this up b/c the universe just blessed me with a new relationship model to share with the world. In this model one of your roles is to support, encourage & assist your partner in finding/ pursuing their life’s purpose.

No where on this model do you give them bad advice just because it would suit your wants/ needs/ desires.

Real love is not selfish. Real love is self less. When I broke up with my beloved. 10 years ago I was selfish & young. I was afraid he would hurt me so I ended things before he had the opportunity to do me wrong. I didn’t think about how it would affect him.

When we hooked up again (as friends) years later and his job offered him a position out of the country, I encouraged him to go even though it broke my heart to watch him leave. By that time I had grown up enough to understand that it wasn’t about me and what I wanted.

In the four years since I have had to learn that love is also unreasonable and that real love doesn’t fade. Now that he is at a crossroads in his life where once again he is being presented the opportunity to follow is heart (bliss) or continue to follow the world (hell) I see that love wants me to be his friend and champion EVENTHOUGH he is engaged to and having a baby with another woman!

Love says I will send you another beloved, but he needs you to support and encourage him in stepping into his greatness because the woman he is with is a “dream-crusher” and is slowly killing his spirit.

So while I do love him AND would love to have him as more than a friend, Love won’t let me remove myself from his life just because I can’t have him the way I want him. Love won’t let me have “ulterior motives” and the intent to seduce or entice him because the man who is ready for a woman like me will choose me and will not need to be convinced!

So the is real love and its not easy but it is awesome. I just wonder how many people really love their honey. And how many are really using their significant other to get what they want in life?

There was a discussion on twitter and on a blog I read about “Winter Boo” loosely defined as a person you hook up with from around thanksgiving until just before valentines day. The topic disturbed me because it is an example of how we intentionally use and abuse people for our own selfish desires.

To start a relationship with someone knowing from jump that you plan to cut them loose. Soon thereafter lacks honor, consideration, & integrity, unfortunately this is what people seem to be up to

You have to check out my blog on spice vs. drama and read the comments on facebook to get the background for this post.

He wrote :Women don’t want to risk sharing their sexuality with an undeserving man

For women, at least me and others like me who I am deeming “quality women”, we want to be sexually involved with men that we trust, love and feel respected and cherished by. What is missing is an understanding of what it means to be trustworthy, love, respect, and cherish a quality woman, how one earns that distinction and thus gets to be sexual with a quality woman, or the desire to put in the effort to do it.

So lets start with how one gets to be considered a trustworthy, loving, respectful, man who cherishes the women he is attempting to sex.

The first issue is that many mens primary motive for talking to or even being around women is to have sex.

He wrote:“A man is less likely to want to spend time with a woman if he doesn’t feel like he has a shot at some kind of sexual contact UNLESS he had already established a strong platonic connection with her and realizes her value as a true friend.”

If I accept that as true, it is no wonder that me and my friends remain without male companionship.  I only have sex with men that I would have as a friend. As a matter of fact one of the main questions I ask myself when considering when or if to have a relationship or relations with any man is

“If I did not find him physically attractive, would I REALLY be friends with him?”

If the answer to that question is no, I don’t go there.  Here is the thing, the ONLY WAY to be able to answer that question is to spend time with the guy NOT HAVING SEX (hence the concept of DATING).  So if while I am trying to find out if a man is a person of integrity (someone I can trust), of compassion (someone who will love & support me), respectful, and who demonstrates love in a way that I like to receive it (Check out the book The Five Love Languages for more information about this crucial component), he is busy trying to figure out how to convince me to have sex, the answer is typically “No.”  The reason its no is because everything he is doing is about trying to get in my pants so most of the time I can’t get a sense of who he really is and he comes off as inauthentic and sleazy.

I get that men like sex, no men love sex, and men love sex with women. YAY!!!  We like sex too AND  I need men to understand that great sex alone is not ever going to create an awesome relationship.  Now if you are not interested in having awesome relationships (defined as a relationship that lights you up everyday and inspires you) please keep selecting women based on how easy it is to have sex with them.  Stop reading this now, there is nothing of value here for you.

If you are ready to be a grown up and have a relationship with a quality woman that will meet ALL your needs, keep reading and take notes (soon I’ll be charging for this good sh*t)

Quality women value ourselves for more than just the fact that we happen to have been born with a vagina.   More than that, we do not want to be with a man whose primary interest is Sex.  While we certainly want our men to be attracted to us AND we want to have lots of hot passionate sex, we understand that sex is not the key to having an awesome relationship.  Great sex is the key to having orgasms and since there is more to life than orgasms and because we can achieve orgasm with or without a man, we are basing our choices in partners on more than sex.  Quality women are looking for quality relationships.

The concept of being a sex object (sought after primarily for sex) is objectionable to quality women because every woman has a vagina and can provide sex. While there are some things women can and should do to make sex with them phenomenal (that’s what my Vixen Training is about),sex alone will never result in a quality relationship.  If sex is a man’s primary reason for dealing with women and wanting to have special woman in his life,  it may not be possible for him to have a quality woman.  He needs to stay focused on women who don’t have very high standards when it comes to who they  have sex with.

The Friend Zone

He also wrote:  men don’t want to risk making a fool of themselves and opening up their heart, reputation and wallet only to find out that they’ve landed in the friend zone.

The problem with this thinking is that, we want to be intimate with men who we consider friend quality.

In effect, most quality women don’t sleep with men that we wouldn’t want to be friends with.

If men would start seeing the value in platonic female friendships, in having women as friends and stopped seeing the title “friend” as some sort of badge of death I think the world would turn up-side-down!   Unless you happen to be a look alike for Will Smith, Morris Chestnut, Brad Pitt, or some other ridiculously handsome man, most quality women are not going to sleep with you because of how you look.   Its going to take some effort.

What’s good to know, is that it doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money, but it will require you to open your heart.  That is what we really want.  If you give your heart, we’ll give you our body.  That’s just the way it is.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.  Trust me, after these past few weeks, I know that being vulnerable will not kill you.  I have tried to avoid it much of my adult life, but now I know that its not the end of the world.  The payoff of having someone in your life that you adore and who adores you is worth the risk!

I am not advocating purely platonic relationships, but more often than not, men are too salacious too soon.   FYI, we know that you want to sleep with us.  Try as you might, you don’t really do a great job of hiding it.  However, lacing your conversation with innuendo and suggestive comments is not going to make sex happen any sooner. If you want to get a woman comfortable enough with you to have sex, befriend her and romance her at the same time!  The key to being a good friend is opening your heart.  So if what he writes is true. You are standing in the way of your dream girl because you refuse to be a friend to her.

As you date her ask yourself: “Am I being a good friend to her? ” and “Am I being romantic?”  If you don’t know what it means to be a good friend or how to be romantic check out the love and relationships section of my reading list, it has awesome books with excellent information.

When men choose to avoid risk or being vulnerable, and ” go after easier targets that they aren’t really interested in anyway so the loss doesn’t mean anything to them,”  they rob themselves and us of the joy of being in  fulfilling relationships.  If you keep making your top mission sexing us, how it occurs is that you don’t care about the rest of us, the parts of us that we think are phenomenal and actually want to be appreciated for and we then lose interest in you.

Consider that woman are people and we actually make excellent friends!  The woman you choose to make part of your life as a girlfriend and especially as your wife should be a friend.  So if you stop making it all about sex and start asking yourself, “If I wasn’t sexually attracted to her, would I want her as a friend?” and can’t answer yes, break it off and move on to the next Diva.

For the record, friends trust each other (she won’t rifle through your phone and personal effects), friends give to each other (she won’t always expect you to pay for everything and will treat you sometimes), friends support you (she will make your dreams and desires a priority and do what it takes to assist you in fulfilling them).  If a woman doesn’t trust, give to, and support you, keep it moving, no matter how beautiful she is or how great the sex is!

So this what it takes to mend a broken heart? Its been so long since I lost anyone I loved I didn’t know what was going on.  Tonight on the show it became clear thanks to the insight of my fabulous co-host. So after my beloved fell off Saturday night and then started trying to pick a fight it was clear what he decided. Rather than just saying “I’ve chosen option C” he used his emergency as an excuse. Its hard to choose to break your heart and turn your back on possibility.
At the same time I know that its over & it hurts. Today & tonight is what me processing the reality of not being with the man I love looks like. Sheesh this is a beast, then when you combine that with holiday blahs and business woes, no wonder I fell apart today. What really sucks is that it may not be over yet! I know I said I wanted to be open to experiencing the full range of emotions, but I didn’t bargain for this. Love is a monster and mending a broken heart is the worst.
I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, I just wish I didn’t have to walk down it. Why are people such idiots!  It would all be so easy if he just would choose to be true to himself and of course be with me!

for being a good person!  Sure so far it has me single, alone, with no family of my own and having spent the last few days unsuccessfully fighting off tears, fatigue, and a sense of futility, but at the end of the day I go to sleep each night feeling like I am true to myself.  That’s a good thing…right?

I had a long talk with a good friend and if what he says is really true, the future does not bode well for the nice girls on the planet.  Men want spice not nice.  It was a great conversation and please note I will use a lot of the information gleaned from it in my upcoming book. “Why I am still single?” A Nice Girls Guide to Snagging the Man of Her Dreams.  My intention in writing this book is to help all my 20-something nice girls avoid being me at 33.  You don’t want to see the holiday’s approach and be reminded how you have no one in your life and may never have a family unless you choose to either get knocked up by having unprotected sex with some random ass or spend an ass of money for artificial insemination!  You don’t want to look back and say to yourself. “What was the point in being a responsible, honorable, optimistic, considerate person when the world only seems to reward the reckless, unscrupulous, and selfish?”

I choose to believe The Universe/God has had me walk this path so that I could impart the wisdom I have acquired to those coming behind me so that they have a different fate than me.  Yes it seems like a hard lesson to have to learn just to help the world, but how else could I know what to tell the other nice girls if I had successfully found love and started a family, by being “nice”?  I choose to believe this because to believe otherwise would send me spiraling down into a deep dark place that I have no desire to visit again.  It’s not a fun place to go trust me.

Dear Universe/God,

Now that I have learned the lessons, have all this great information to share, and have started the book, we can start to turn things around right?  I’m going to see breakthrough results in my life as I continue to stay in action and apply the insights I have gotten to my life, yes?

Mr. Extraordinary will appear and he will appreciate me for me and we will be happy together right?  He won’t need me to “lose it” every once in a while so that the relationship has “spice” right?  He’ll be mature enough to understand that excitement and drama are not the same thing right?  He’ll be clear that a woman who demands that you two get to know one another and develop a real friendship before having sex probably has her head screwed on straight and not stop calling her just because some other women is willing to sleep with him right?  I won’t need to trap him or trick him into being with me because he’ll be looking for a quality women like me right?

He’ll have some goals and actually be in action to make them a reality, not just talking about what he’s “gonna do” right?  He will be excited that I have goals too and will actually want to see me win AND support me in achieving my personal goals right?  He’ll be looking for a partner and an equal instead of a maid/cook/concubine/nanny/breeder right?  While we’re dating he won’t require me to always pay half because he is paranoid about “being used for free meals” and be a gentleman right?  He’ll call when he says he’ll call and show up when we have plans because he understands the concept of integrity right?  If he happens to slip up and not keep his word he will apologize and do his best not to do it again instead of saying I am overreacting and being unreasonable when I say I have a problem with being stood up or left waiting for long periods of time with no communication right?

When he marries me he won’t stop being sweet and romantic and start just expecting sex on demand b/c he bought me a ring and “has papers on me” right?  He’ll be okay with us having some household help and value the way I manage the household instead of saying that I am not a good wife because I don’t want to pick up his dirty underwear and spend my free time, cooking, scrubbing and mopping right?  He’ll want to talk to me because we have great conversation and he’ll respect my opinion and won’t just think that he gets to say how it goes because he is “the man” right?  We’ll do fun stuff together after we’re married because we’ll have some hobbies in common like skiing, playing video games, or dancing, right?

Universe/God I know don’t need to get clarity about any of this because you have my back and you already let me know what’s coming.  I just put it in this format to make sure that my Divas know that I have gone through all the bad dates, heartbreak, loneliness, confusion, frustration, and upset so that I could write this book and help them all avoid it!

So like I said I am going to write everyday and will have it ready for publication before my birthday next year.  I am so looking forward to being in love with someone who loves me back and treats me well!    I can hardly wait for the  romance, support, compassion, passion, adventure, companionship, and fun to start!  Do I have to wait until the book is finished before he gets here or can I have him before my birthday so that I can include the happy ending in the book?  Whatever you have in mind is fine, but I really really really would like him sooner than later! You said I should ask for what I want so I would like to have a Valentine this year please.  I am going to bed now, I did work on the book a little today, I didn’t write, but my conversation gave me some more material to include.  I am a little tired after my long drive today and my workshop earlier, but I promise tomorrow I’ll get a few more pages in!